Living in the Land of Tiny Napkins

Despite the fact that I am still bewildered by half the things I see and hear in Taiwan, I feel like our whole family has finally settled in!  We moved past the 3 month slump into vacations with friends, Christmas holidays, Chinese New Year celebrations and first semester grades.  The kids all did incredibly well academically and are on firm footing with new friends as well.  Phew!  We’re now well into the spring semester at all the schools, I’m on my 4^th Chinese class, our schedule has become familiar, and we’re trying to explore our surroundings more.  Even with all those blessings, somehow I can’t help but writing about my two pet-peeves in Taiwan, they're making me a little insane! :)

My first pet peeve?  Tiny napkins. I know, I know, it sounds so lame.  And it’s not a big deal compared to real problems, but I soooo miss real napkins.

When you go into any restaurant in Taiwan, whether it’s Taiwanese food, other Asian food, or western food, you get the same kind of napkin: it’s the size of a cocktail napkin with the strength and consistency of a Kleenx.  They are the most useless and wasteful napkin ever.  (Notable exception to this rule is Chili’s restaurant. Yes, I’m referring to the American chain restaurant that I have no desire to eat at in the US, but that tastes pretty damn good while living here and craving the occasional American burger.)

Anyway, if you’re anywhere other than Chili’s and find yourself actually having to use one of these tiny napkins during a meal, one will do you absolutely no good.  A minimum of 10 is required just to wipe your mouth and your hands.  Heaven forbid your kid spills something, then you go through a whole pile of the useless things and start begging your table neighbors for their portion of tissues.  There are not many things I think the US gets right when it comes to “super sizing,” but napkins are definitely one of those things!  I have a Taiwanese friend who carries a cloth napkin in her purse to clean her kids up and I’m actually considering doing that.  I guess it’s more eco-friendly anyway, but seriously, WHY do they have these tiny Kleenx napkins???

My second pet-peeve is plastic bags.  This is an overdone topic in many circles, but I am living in a country being over-run by plastic bags!  It absolutely does not matter what you’re buying, they put it in a plastic bag.  You could be buying a single package of (plastic) trash bags and they would put it in a plastic bag for you to take home.

At the grocery store, you have to have your fruit and veggies weighed at a station in the produce section before you go to the cashier.  They insist on putting your bananas in a plastic bag and then putting the price sticker on the plastic bag.  They refuse to put the sticker on the banana itself.  People!  Bananas come in their own wrappers, with a little handle on top, they don’t need a plastic bag!

My favorite example is when you buy a drink…they have these fancy little machines that seal a plastic lid on top for you and then they give you a special plastic bag to carry it in.  Huh?  They just sealed the top of the thing, it’s not going to spill, even when you poke the straw through the top. But every day you see people walking down the sidewalk holding their cup with a plastic bag wrapped around it,  just sipping away…  I’m so confused by this!

At the local fruit and veg market, I go to the same stand to buy my veggies every week.  This lovely lady can’t seem to help herself, everything is put in a separate plastic bag before it goes into my re-usable cloth bag.  Please, just dump everything in the bag, I’m taking them straight home, I am not worried if they touch each other on the way.  After months of telling her that I don’t want plastic bags (in Chinese even!), last week when I showed up to buy my veggies, she actually laughed and said, “I know! You don’t want bags!”  Hallelujah, a breakthrough!

This has actually moved beyond being a pet-peeve with me.  Here’s my story about why plastic bags are the devil.  We keep hearing about how plastic bags don’t biodegrade, how they will fill up our landfills and oceans, how they are made out of petroleum, use a valuable natural resource, yada yada yada.  But it’s one thing to hear these arguments and buy your reusable bag and think you’ve done something good; it’s a whole different thing to stand in the ocean in Bali, Indonesia on your vacation and feel plastic swirling about your legs as you gaze upon a beach filled with garbage.

For Chinese New Year holiday, we took our first family vacation from Taiwan.  This is the only holiday that lines up for all three of the kid’s schools, so it was a real treat for us.  We rented a beautiful Balinese villa in Seminyak, Bali with another family.  On the first full day there, we walked 15 minutes to the beach to enjoy the view and frolic in the ocean.  When we arrived, there was a line of garbage on the beach as far as we could see.

Usually when you go to the beach you see a line of ocean flotsam: logs, seaweed, bits and pieces of natural materials that the waves brought in. At least that’s been my experience so far. But on the beach in Bali, what we saw was plastic…bags, utensils, yogurt-type containers, bottles, wrappers, etc. 

It was unsettling to look out over the garbage-strewn beach, but it was clearly a popular spot with chairs and umbrellas and restaurants all along it, so we rented 4 chairs and plopped down.  The guys who sold us the chairs raked up all the garbage in front of them and made us a nice clean beach area.  Thanks guys!

Fifteen minutes later, that same area was full of garbage that had come in with the waves.  We were a little surprised and a lot repulsed, none of us read that beaches in Bali looked like this.  Then we all headed for the water for a refreshing swim…and this is when we were truly horrified.  I was standing in the water up to my knees and I could feel stuff swirling about my legs.  I assumed it was seaweed and other ocean-y type stuff, but when I looked down, all I could see were plastic bags and other plastic garbage, just floating in the water.  It was everywhere.

Later we asked some locals about the beach.  They explained there had been heavy rains and flooding on the nearby island of Java.  When flooding like that happens, everything floats away into the ocean (including the garbage) and it gets caught in the currents and distributed throughout the world via ocean currents.  It just so happened that a lot of it had been caught in the bay where we were staying and it would take some time for it all to work its way farther out to sea. 

Which part of this explanation was the most disturbing?  I can’t choose.  The entire thing was so appalling, and then it was compounded by another story later in our stay. One guide said it used to be everything in Bali came wrapped in banana leaves, which are plentiful on the island and obviously biodegrade over time.  People did not worry about discarding banana leaves on the side of the road, they would eventually turn to soil.  But with the advent of the plastic bag and everything switching to the “new, modern” way of doing things (i.e. wrap everything in plastic), somehow people retained their behaviors and continue to discard plastic as if it’s banana leaves.  It’s creating a huge garbage problem for the island, and when they get heavy rains, it all washes downhill and eventually ends up in the ocean. 

So, here is an island that used to have a sustainable, environmentally friendly way of packaging their goods, but they have switched over to using plastic and now have an environmental disaster on their hands.  And because the island relies so heavily on tourism, and tourists don’t want to stare at a garbage problem, it’s eventually going to affect everything from their land to their livelihoods.

It only takes a little extrapolation to understand that this is not an island problem “somewhere else” in the world.  Our friends that we vacationed with remember New Jersey beaches being closed because of too much medical waste (syringes!) washing up on shore. Companies sent their waste out on barges and dumped it in international waters.  This is a problem everywhere. 

I didn’t mean for this blog to turn into a diatribe against plastic, but when I started talking about all the plastic bags in Taiwan, I felt compelled to share how sad, mad, and discouraged I was after our visit to that beach in Bali.  By the way, so many other things about Bali were wonderful, especially the people. After that trip, I re-resolved not to take plastic bags or buy any more plastic than is absolutely necessary.  It’s a small thing, and I’m only one person, but at least I’m in a position to do something.  And hey, I’ve mastered a new Chinese phrase: “Bu yao, xie xie, wo you wode daizi,” which roughly translates to “Don’t want, thank you, I have my own bag.”  I haven’t yet figured out how to say, “Why would I need a plastic bag, you sealed the lid on that thing?”  But I’ll figure it out eventually, I’m sure. J

Our first trip to the hospital in Taiwan, actually, anywhere

Ironically, last summer my friend was mentioning how many times she has been to the hospital with her three children.  And I realized, other than their births and a set of tests Genevieve went through when she was a baby, none of my children have ever gone to the hospital.  And here's where I made my mistake....I said, out loud, to my friend and the universe, "Wow, you know none of my kids have ever been to the ER."  And I'm pretty sure I jinxed myself right there.

So Monday night Genevieve is complaining that her right arm/wrist hurts.  When I ask what happened she tells me she fell off our bed, which is actually pretty high, and she landed on the wood floor, which is laid over top of cement.  So, in hindsight, I imagine falling off the bed and landing on your wrist would really hurt.  But of course she's telling me this at the dinner table while complaining about the mushrooms in the soup I made and saying that it hurst to lift her spoon.  I'll admit it, I had very little sympathy for her and basically told her to suck it up.  We've all done this, right?  Please tell me I'm not the only parent who has told their kids to suck it up, only to have it turn out later that it was the wrong call?

Right about midnight Genevieve comes in our room crying, she can't sleep because her wrist and hand hurt so bad.  She can't move it without wincing and sucking in her breath, so out comes the ice and the ibuprofen.  I feel awful.  This is a real thing, she's actually hurt herself this time and I blew her off earlier.  To partially atone for my bad parenting, I snuggle with her for about an hour in her bed, listening to her gasp and cry at every movement of her arm.  I lay there realizing that we are definitely going to the hospital in the morning, and I need to figure out what to do.

Luckily I took a class at the Community Center (non-profit organization that helps foreigners in Taipei) about various aspects of living in Taipei.  They thoroughly covered the medical options if you have to go to the doctor and/or the ER and they also covered payment.  Taiwan has a national healthcare system and you are eligible to use it if you work in the country for a certain amount of time.  If you don't use the national healthcare, you pay cash for the services (some places take credit cards) and then you bill your insurance later.  We have insurance through Intel right now.

Anyway, I scrounge around, find the notes from the class and determine that we will go to Adventist Hospital.  They have a Priority Care Clinic which costs a little more but offers appointments with doctors and specialists within the hospital, and they speak English.  Seems like a good choice for our first visit.  I call at 8am and get an appointment with an Orthopedist at 10am.  I call/text around canceling all my personal plans for the day, pack Genevieve a bag with snacks and books and off we go.  I am anticipating a long morning at the hospital, and I'm praying she didn't break her right wrist...the hand she writes with...the hand she needs to make the 14 strokes that make up one character in Chinese.

Joe had been taking meetings from home since 6am, so he was able to go with us to the hospital.  We arrive and try to ask for the Priority Care Clinic but my Chinese fails.  Seeing that we are white, the woman at the information desk assumes we want the clinic and kindly escorts us there.  The hospital is beautiful, it's clean, bright, all signs are in Chinese and English, and people are going about their business calmly.  (No idea what the ER looked like as we were in the main part of the hospital...)

At the Priority Care Clinic I filled out ONE 1/2 page form, then they took Genevieve to be weighed and measured for height.  About 5 minutes later a volunteer escorted us to the Ortho doctor for our appointment.  After a cursory glance at Genevieve's wrist and our comments that she fell off the bed and couldn't move it, he orders x-rays.  We go back to the PCC and wait to go to x-ray.  About 5 minutes later another volunteer takes us down to x-ray department.  Genevieve has her arm x-rayed and we go back to PCC.  Another 5 minutes later we are escorted back to the Ortho doctor who pulls up the xray on the computer and shows us that he doesn't see any fractures.  PHEW!  Looks like a bad sprain, but he cautions that there are multiple growth plates in the wrist and hand and if it still hurts after a week in a brace, we should come back for another xray.  Sounds reasonable enough.  Back to the PCC.

Our last step at the PCC was to pay for services.  By the way, before we left our apartment I grabbed every single NT (new taiwan dollar) bill we had in the house, not knowing exactly how much this was going to cost but knowing I would need to pay cash.  The receptionist totaled us up and it came to $2800NT...which is $95 USD.  Joe and I were flabbergasted.  We chose the more expensive option by coming to the priority care clinic, we had personalized help getting around the hospital, we saw a specialist and had xrays taken and it cost us LESS THAN $100 USD.  Oh, and from the time we arrived till we left, was 45 minutes!!!

This is not a comment intended to start a political riot, so everybody just stay calm, but the US has seriously got to figure out how to do national healthcare.  This is the second country we've lived in with a national healthcare system, and in both places it has worked well and been cheaper than we could ever fathom after dealing with healthcare at home.  We commented that it's not even worth the headache of submitting the $95 bill to our insurance company for these services.  It will take more time and energy to get reimbursed than it did for Genevieve to see a doctor, have xrays, and get diagnosed.  Interesting, no?

So, now Genevieve is wearing a brace and doing only math homework with her left hand for the next week (can't do Chinese), and we've got our first visit to hospital under our belt.  I am grateful that the injury was not more severe, and I'm even more grateful that the entire experience was good for Genevieve.

And with that, we head into this Thanksgiving holiday with hearts more grateful than ever.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Things that confuse and amuse me about Taiwan

I have been keeping a running list in my head of the things that both confuse and amuse me in Taipei, so far.  In no particular order, here are my random observations:

Dog culture - I come from Portland, Oregon where there is a very strong dog culture...that is to say that nearly everyone has a dog and you see dogs everywhere.  They are being walked, they are hanging out under the table on the sidewalk at restaurants, they are running free in dog parks, they are happily hanging their heads out of car windows...suffice to say that I am used to seeing dogs as part of the daily culture.

But the dog culture in Taipei is another thing entirely.  If you see someone pushing a stroller on the sidewalk, there is a 50/50 chance that a small dog (sporting a sweater and a rhinestone collar) is inside the stroller!  And there's an equally good chance that a dog could be in a Baby Bjorn, a purse, or carried under the arm.  They just don't walk!  I have seen very few big dogs here and they are definitely walking, but the little dogs are everywhere and I swear they only walk when they get down to do their business.  Which is a whole other story...People here are quite good about cleaning up after their dogs but I don't see people packing around plastic bags like everybody does in Portland.  I've seen people use newspapers, fliers, tissue (ew!), and my personal favorite, a big leaf.

In the park near our house, there is often a man who lets his small white fluffy dog off leash to do his business.  He watches closely and when the dog is about to poo, he runs over and sticks a leaf under the dog's butt and catches the poo!!!  We have seen this same show on a number of occassions, so I'm pretty sure it's the "normal" way he cleans up after the dog.  Since there are no trash cans at the park, it is a mystery to me what he does with the leaf full of poo...

Speaking of trash cans, the only public ones you can find are at bus stops.  And they are tall skinny metal trash cans with a very small opening near the top.  I'm surprised that with so few trash cans the streets of Taipei are relatively clean. I have been told by local friends that the reason there are not frequent or large trash cans is because they don't want people emptying their household garbage into the public bins.  Why would they do this, you ask?  Because trash pick-up requires a little work here in Taipei.  You don't just set your trash out by the curb on a designated day.  Instead, you take your trash (already pre-sorted into specific colored bags for food scraps, waste, and recycling) out to the garbage & recycling truck that comes to your neighborhood every evening.

How do you know when the garbage truck comes?  Because it plays Fur Elise through loudspeakers, of course!  The truck stops in each section of town and people bring their garbage & recycling to the truck.  If they don't like the look of your garbage (i.e. they see too much recycling in the waste bag), they reject it and you can't put it in the truck!  Recycling is a big deal here, it's awesome.
Every night at 7:15 we hear Fur Elise, and I imagine for the rest of our lives when we hear that song we will think, "garbage truck is here!"

You know what you never see in Taiwan?  Bald men.  Why don't Asian men lose their hair like caucasian men do?  The only bald men I ever see are monks, and I'm pretty sure they are bald by choice.

You know what you see ALL the time in Taiwan?  People taking selfies.  I have never seen so many people posing for their own phones/cameras in my life.  Everywhere you go someone is posing for a selfie.

Restaurant reservations are a mystery.  At every single restaurant you enter, they will ask you if you have a reservation.  Sometimes it makes sense because you look around and the restaurant is full.  But just as often the restaurant is empty and they ask you.  If you say you don't have a reservation, they look all around, look in their reservation book, talk to another employee and explain that you have no reservation, and then reluctantly ask if you can be done with your meal in 1.5 hours because they have other reservations.  Um, yeah, we can do that.  Should be pretty fast service since there is NO ONE else in the place!  But sometimes, they will tell you they cannot seat you because they have other reservations...even when the restaurant is empty!  There is no walking in to a restaurant here, just make a reservation and save yourself the hassle and the confused looks from the staff!

In the US, hairstylists stand up and talk to you while you get your hair cut.  Here, they sit down on a rolling chair and roll around you silently cutting your hair.  Even the ones who speak English.  It's a very odd experience.

Not everyone understands the concept of appropriate hiking shoes.  I've seen multiple women hiking trails in HEELS.  What on earth???

There is a joke that Taiwan has a convenience store in every block and it's true.  But it's also true that there are more dentists here than I've ever seen before.  There is literally a dentist office about every other block.  And many of the dental clinics are named after the American university they attended for their degree!  Although Joe (and two other friends) did learn the hard way that not all knowledge transferred from the American schools.  After any kind of dental work (i.e. root canal, crown, cavity) the strongest medication you're going to get is ibuprofen, tylenol and some little homeopathic pills that don't seem to do anything.  Not a narcotic in sight, and Joe even had to ask to be numbed before the dental procedure started!

And yes, the ubiquitous 7-11.  I think I've mentioned this before, so forgive the repeat but I'm still amazed that 7-11s are for junk food in the US and yet here they are the most useful store around!  Every time you walk into 7-11 someone calls out a greeting welcoming you to shop, it's actually nice.  However, you also get a very specific smell every time you walk in.  They all have a food station at the front with a variety of different things, but the vat of hot brown liquid with eggs cooking in it is still a mystery to me.  Never seen anyone buy or eat one of those things, and based on the smell I'm not going to be the first to try.  But other than the smell, it's actually a very convenient store!  You pay your bills at 7-11 (just hand the cashier your bill, they scan it, you pay, get a receipt, and off you go), you buy tickets for concerts and sporting events, you buy your Easy card (transportation card), you can get coffee or tea and a whole variety of snacks including noodles, nuts, chips, and candy.  They sell both liquor and ice cream!  And they always have umbrellas for the unexpected rain shower that catches you unaware.  The most useful store around.

The Three Month Slump?

These days my emotions are all over the place and I’m feeling a bit bipolar.  I’m pretty sure the dreaded “three month slump” is the cause.  The three month slump is known in ex-pat communities as the point (usually about 3-4 months in) when you realize you’re not on vacation in this new country, you actually live here now.  Trust me, it’s a shocking day when you realize this…even on your second ex-pat assignment.  It means your problems, your confusion, and even your bewilderment, are not going away.  It may diminish, but it’s part of your life now.  People experience this slump to different degrees and for various lengths of time, but almost everybody goes through a period of losing their energy, enthusiasm, and tolerance for the new place they call home.

The good news is that once you come out on the other side of the slump, you even out and find “your” place in your new home.  For me, I recognize the signs of the slump in a variety of ways.  My enthusiasm for speaking the language has dwindled to almost nothing…I do my homework at the last possible minute before I draaag myself to the class.  And no matter how much I promise myself I’m going to study this week, I don’t manage it (yet I watch three crap movies on TV…)

I go to bed early despite having many things to do, and I'm the night owl!  I hesitate to communicate with friends and family back home because it feels like I will just complain, and who wants to hear that?  

And I get impatient when things don’t work the way I think they “should,” i.e. the way they work in America.  For the first few months it was easy to say to myself, “this is the way it works here” and just move on.  No longer. 

I want to tear my hair out when I go to the store to buy something and they are inexplicably out of it.  And I’m not talking about hard to find items…last week red and yellow peppers were on my grocery list.  This is an item that every store here carries, so planning a dinner that includes this is not usually a problem.  (Unlike a dinner of Mexican food where you know you’re going to multiple places to assemble all the ingredients.) 

First I was at Carrefour (big grocery store chain) and they had none.  I looked around three times because I was so perplexed.  Next I was at Wellcome (smaller grocery chain) and they were also out.   It was too late in the day for the local fruit and veg market (think permanent farmer’s market), but I stopped at a little fruit and veg store.  Nope.  At this point I am starting to rethink my menu for that night’s meal and I’m flat-out cranky because can I think of plan B?  Nope.  I walk past a little French bistro-type place and rather accidentally see that they have two beautiful peppers in a tiny cooler in their store.  Eureka!  I pop in and happily buy them, but I’m thinking to myself, “Should it be this hard to buy two peppers???”

A few weeks ago, having to go to 4 stores to buy peppers for dinner would have been a funny story to tell Joe when he got home.  Now it’s a source of frustration and annoyance…this is definitely the three month slump.   I know that getting through it is a matter of gutting it out and continuing to do the things you know will help you, even though you don’t want to.  So I go to Chinese class, I meet new people, I email old friends, I go to the gym, I use caffeine to get me going, I think about our vacation to Bali over Chinese New Year….and I absolutely cherish the good days when they come.

Some wonderful things have happened that sent me flying high as a kite.  One day I had an impromptu coffee with a woman who I don’t know very well but we play tennis together. Over the course of the conversation, I was honest and vulnerable about how hard this adjustment is, and she opened up about the same thing and we had an amazing and hilarious talk.  Two hours later I left the coffee shop feeling like a million bucks…it’s so simple, but there is almost nothing as good as a genuine connection with another person.  And later that day someone else told me she read my last blog and had similar feelings around adjustment.  She was grateful for my words because it expressed and validated what she was feeling.  Wow, something I wrote resonated with someone else, what a great feeling.  (And possibly confirms that I'm not insane.)

And then there was the day Genevieve got her mid-term exam scores back.  Oh my God, the kid absolutely nailed it.  She had five exams over 2 days, and going into it we were very clear that 50% is the bar, trying again to manage her expectations.   

Here were her scores:  Social Studies 100%, Science 93%, English 96%, Math 85%, Chinese 65%.  When she told me she got 100% on her social studies test, she was grinning so much she couldn’t tell me about the rest of the test scores.  She just had to spin around on the sidewalk letting her happiness flow out.  J  When I asked what her Social Studies teacher said about the score (her SS teacher previously told her she should be doing better in the class) she told me, “I have no idea what she said, I was smiling so much I couldn’t hear anything.”  J  I LOVE everything about that statement.  I walked three feet above the sidewalk the rest of the day and took the girls out to G’s favorite restaurant to celebrate.

And just yesterday, out of the blue, I got an unexpected message on Facebook from a friend saying she was just thinking of me and missed me.  Just like that, I am back in a place of peace and thankfulness for the blessing of solid friendships and communities back home, as well as the blessing of new friendships and adventures here.

It’s a bipolar kind of life right now!

Ten Weeks in Taipei

Well, I made the mistake of drinking too much caffeine too late in the day and now I find myself wide awake at midnight with a head spinning round with dozens and dozens of disconnected thoughts.  And so, this seems like a good time to finish a blog I started two weeks ago, titled "Ten Weeks in Taipei."  We have just passed our three-month mark, but, whatever.

After three months in Taipei, it’s safe to say that we are all adjusting reasonably well.  The kids are adjusting faster and better than their parents, but we all know that kids are flexible little beings, don’t we?  I try not to feel jealous of their ability to cope.  J

We are learning fascinating things about our kids with this move to Taiwan.  Olivia, our first-born, rule-follower, people-pleaser, has adjusted to Taipei American School with very little fuss.  She has more homework and less friends than at home, but she’s working on getting used to both those things.  It’s in her athletic endeavors that we have seen something new.

Previous to now, Olivia has played sports on teams with wonderful coaches, parents, and kids.  We have truly been blessed in her sporting experiences, and her teams won more than they lost.  I think until now, Olivia thought that’s how it was supposed to be.  She took winning for granted and she’s not particularly competitive, so the occasional loss didn’t really bother her.  Or so we thought. 

Here in Taipei, she participates in a program called TYPA (Taipei Youth Program Associaton) which provides sports, music lessons, dance, drama, cooking, etc.  The facility is right next to her school, so it makes perfect sense to sign her up for their activities.  Now, TYPA is focused on allowing as many kids from as many different levels of sport to enjoy activities, which is a little different than programs that are trying to teach kids sports.  To that end, the basketball program is such that kids sign up for one of two practice days and then have games on Saturdays.  That means Olivia doesn’t actually practice with all the kids on her team, the only time they all play together is at the game on Saturday.  During practice, she participates in drills and is supposed to be learning fundamental basketball skills. 

As you can imagine, this is a totally different system than the one we come from, and Olivia was completely bewildered in the first game.  (As were her parents!)  She didn’t even know her teammates names so she couldn’t call for the ball, and they didn’t run any plays, so she had no idea where to be on the court, other than “open.”  As Joe and I tried to wrap our head around this bizarre new approach to basketball, the coach and others assured us that the girls would come together and figure things out.

As it turned out, that’s not what happened for Olivia’s team.  They did improve their ability to work together a bit during the season, but they didn’t learn anything about the fundamentals of how to play the game.  And they lost, a lot.   Four games into the season, Olivia was in tears, so upset and pissed about losing that she couldn’t contain herself.  Joe and I were surprised….where had this competitive kid come from?  After lots of conversation, she dug down deep and played really hard the next game.  She ran up and down the court with determination, she took all the shots she could, she rebounded, she did it all.  I was so impressed.  And yet they lost again, and she truly believed that one person working her hardest makes no difference.  What a horrible thing to believe.  

So we encouraged her and we coaxed her into keeping her commitment to the team and she hung in there, exhibiting more competitive fire than we’ve ever seen before.  And still, they lost EVERY. SINGLE. GAME.  It was heartbreaking to hear her say that she was glad the season was over because she was tired of losing and making no difference.  But Joe and I learned a valuable lesson…our oldest daughter does not like to lose and is just as competitive as both her parents when her back is against the wall.  Who knew???  Not us, and I think, not her.

Genevieve….oh the things we have learned about Genevieve.  Our sunshine, our happy-go-lucky, flighty, fit-in-wherever child, has extremely high (and possibly unrealistic) expectations for herself it turns out.  To bring you up to speed, the first two weeks of school were extremely hard for her.  She literally gutted her way through it.  She didn’t understand anything her teacher said the first week of school, and only about 50% of what he said the second week.  By the third week she felt like she mostly understood what he was saying, but she still missed important information about homework and tests and swimming day and and and….Luckily her teacher assigned her a buddy and that helped her key into the important information.  And I started asking all the other moms what I might be missing.  Between the two of us we started to get a clue.

It turned out, in all our worry about Genevieve learning to read and write traditional characters, we had overlooked one major factor.  We assumed that since she has been listening to and speaking Mandarin for the last six years, listening to her teachers would pose no problems.  We did not, however, account for accents!  Genevieve started speaking Mandarin when we lived in Shanghai, and all her teachers at NWCA were from mainland China.  She had never been exposed to the Taiwanese accent and really struggled to understand her teachers and fellow students.  Once she started to adjust to the Taiwanese accent, she started to make progress and smile again.  In the fourth week, there were finally days when I picked her up after school and she grinned and said school was good today.  What a relief.

But it’s been difficult.  We have had our share of good and bad days.  There was the day when we realized that we bought the wrong recorder (oops), and the day(s) we missed the homework assignment (oh crap), and the day she wore her uniform when no one else did (sorry honey!), and the day she overheard some other third grade girls whispering about how “the American girl is weird” (oh sweetie, I’m so sorry.)  And the day her Mandarin tutor said she was having trouble focusing and maybe their sessions together weren’t as productive as they need to be (well, could you just keep working with her please?).  All small things taken individually, but for Genevieve, they all felt huge and tragic.

But there was also the day Genevieve announced she had a new best friend (hallelujah).  And the day she asked to be signed up for the afterschool program so she could hang out with her classmates (we can definitely do that!).  And the day she proudly announced at dinner that she got a 97 on her test.  (Joy, excitement, disbelief, grins, hugs, jubilation!!!)  “What subject the test was in?” we asked.  Take a wild guess?  Yes, the test was for ENGLISH class.  Sheesh.  Not that we aren’t proud of you kiddo, but it is your mother tongue and you were asked how to spell the numbers one - twenty, so you ought to be getting a 97!!!

As the weeks went by and she seemed to get the hang of the homework, the daily schedule, and how the overall system worked, we were all feeling pretty good.  Then the testing started.  Here in Taiwan, mid-term and end-of-term tests are VERY big deals.  Teachers, students and parents are all focused on these tests.  So, a few weeks ago Genevieve started taking short tests a couple times a week.  I assumed it was because the teacher was trying to gauge how everybody was going to do on the mid-term exams and I was right.  Genevieve did well on the first Chinese test, in fact when she brought the test home with a 79 (out of 100), I was overjoyed!  I thought if she was getting anything over a 50 in the first term, we would be doing well, so the 79 blew me away.  Genevieve was genuinely surprised that I was happy with a 79, and this should have been my first clue that there was more going on with this little girl than meets the eye.

Her next few Chinese tests had lower scores, a 50, 66, 69.  And with each test she was more and more upset.  Her math tests were all hanging out in the upper 70s and 80s, which seemed to be OK with her.  I made an appointment with Genevieve’s language assistance teacher, the woman who helps her learn traditional characters.  Ms. Rebecca reported that Genevieve was doing quite well, learning the material at a good rate, and understanding and retaining the Chinese.  But, she also told me that she was worried about the very high expectations Genevieve has for herself.  She recounted how Genevieve had been extremely disappointed when she hadn’t received 90+ scores in Chinese, and how she was very aware that she had the lowest scores in her class. 

Rebecca asked me to make sure that Genevieve understood that we didn’t expect her to get perfect scores.  Honestly, it never even occurred to me that I would have to tell Genevieve this!  For God’s sake, she is going to school in a SECOND language and making it through every day.  She has more courage and gumption in her little finger than either of her parents!  We have zero expectations that she be getting As or Bs in this school.

Of course we talked with Genevieve.  We told her how this is not a competition with other students, this is her second language and this is about her learning and making progress, not being perfect.  And I told her that we thought a score of 50 was actually great, and anything above 50 was more than we expected or imagined at this stage.  And then she hits me with, “But Mom, at home I was always #2 in my class.  Only Justin did better than me.”  And she says it with such a serious face and voice that I realize she has been fiercely competitive and aware of her status in the classroom all along.  At this point, I’m honestly wondering if I haven’t been paying enough attention as a parent.  How did I miss this side of her?  I check in with Joe and he has the exact same take on it that I do; he is astounded that she is so serious about her grades and position in the classroom.  

So this began an ongoing conversation with Genevieve about our expectations.  It is a delicate balance because we want her to understand, and believe with all her heart, that no matter what her score on her tests we love her unconditionally.  And school is about learning, and as long as she’s moving forward, she’s doing fine.  But how to tell her test scores don't matter, while at the same time emphasizing that working hard, staying focused and striving to do your best is also important?  Arrrggghh.  Parenting really should come with a manual, with an addendum on how to handle your child if you move to a new country and put them in school in a different language, which of course you yourself don’t speak.

Tonight is Sunday, and this upcoming week is the mid-term exams. I am praying extra prayers that Genevieve will get a score on the test that gives her hope, makes her proud, and keeps her self-esteem in tact.  I have no idea what that score is, but I have learned that my little girl does know what that score is for her, and she’s fiercely aware of achieving it.  Who knew??? Not us.

And then there is Amelia. God bless her, she is her normal vivacious, chatty, irrepressible self.  And we haven’t learned anything shocking about her 4 year old self, yet.  She attends a great Montessori school, all in Mandarin, and loves her teachers and her friends.  Her class has 16 students, four of which are English speakers.  Naturally she has gravitated to the other English speakers and has made good friends of them all.  But she’s still picking up some Mandarin and can successfully make her needs known (I need help, I need to go to the bathroom, my friend, and see you tomorrow).  Her days are long, starting with a 6:30 wake-up, a walk to her sister’s two schools, a bus ride to her own school, and then a school day that lasts from 8:30-4:00.  But she’s happy, if not a little tired, at the end of every day and eager to go to school every morning.  Now, if I could just get her to stop chattering non-stop from 6:30 to 8:30am, all would be well.  Seriously, the child talks NON-STOP for two hours every morning, it’s exhausting!!!

As for Joe and I, we are muddling our way through.  The adjustment to Taiwan has been surprisingly harder than the adjustment to Shanghai.  We have figured out, after long, exhaustive, and sometimes unkind conversations, that a few key things are different here.  When we moved to Shanghai, we knew no one for the first month and we were forced to rely solely on each other.  It brought us closer and strengthened our relationship.  And we had help, in the form of our wonderful ayi.  We could go out for date night with no planning whatsoever, ayi was always there to watch the kids.  And our children were much smaller, with no real extra-curricular activities or obligations; our time was really our own.  So, we have figured out how things are different for us on this assignment, and now we are working on being a little kinder and more generous to each other as we find our footing.  They say awareness is the first step, so I think we’re on our way.

Actually, I hesitated to write that last paragraph about Joe and I because I imagined a bunch of messages on Facebook and elsewhere with people saying things like “hang in there” and “it gets better” and “you can always come home” and I almost deleted it.  But in the end, I don’t want to be dishonest about this experience and if I didn’t write about us, I would be leaving something out.  Taiwan is a new and interesting place and we’re truly happy to be here and feel blessed to have this opportunity.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard some days.  You have to have faith, in each other, in the process of adjustment, and in the idea that opening yourself and your family up to new experiences will make your life richer, fuller, and more meaningful in the long run.

The Education Journey (Part 4) - She Finally Starts School

If you're still with me reading this blog, you have some idea of how it felt to finally get to the first day of school...it was a long haul!  (Thanks for still reading!)

The Week Before School Starts

Monday Genevieve and I survived the language assessment, obviously Genevieve worked harder than I did, but it was nerve-wracking for me too!  Later that same day Genevieve had a tutoring session.  At this session, they perfected the sentences that Genevieve would write on her postcards to give her classmates, and she started working on them.  Her sentence was, “My name is Lingling and I’m from Portland, Oregon, USA.”  It was all in traditional characters, which were still new and difficult for her and she had 30 postcards to write before Friday! 

Halfway through the hour with her tutor, Genevieve dissolved in tears and began to hyperventilate.  My happy-go-lucky child who takes everything in stride was in the throes of a meltdown in a way I have never seen before.

It took almost 15 minutes to calm her down, and then all her fears came pouring out between the sobs and hiccups.  Trying to write the postcards had made everything real.  She was scared to go to school, she was scared she wouldn’t be able to do the work, she was scared she would get lost, she was scared her teacher wouldn’t like her, she was scared she wouldn’t have any friends.  She was scared about everything.  And it broke my heart.  Because the truth is she had every right to be scared, she was embarking on a big scary endeavor.

The best I could do was acknowledge that it would be scary, but reminded her how smart and capable she is, and that we’ll get her as much help as she needs. (And I kept telling myself, there is always Plan B of the American school if we need it!)  So we got through the meltdown, one assurance at a time until she was able to look at the postcards again without crying.  We put them aside for another day.

Genevieve tackled those postcards again on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, and by Thursday she had them done.  Thursday was our “last day of summer” celebration day and she got to choose what to do the entire day.  Her choice?  Visiting the parks we had seen around town and then going shopping.  (Shopping?  Whose child is this?  Not mine!) 

Last day of summer

After dropping off both her sisters to school, we went in pursuit of her PE uniform, which was supposed to be at the bookstore on Shidong Road.  We walked down the road realizing our mistake immediately.  No shops in Taiwan open before 10am, most don’t open until 11am.  So we went to Starbucks, had hot chocolate (on a 90 degree day) and a scone and chatted for a while.  Then we walked to the park, where the sky opened up and we experienced typhoon-like rains and wind.  By the time we made it to the shopping mall we were soaked, but she had a grand time visiting all the different floors of the mall.  Then we ate lunch at her favorite restaurant, Din Tai Fung, where she ate an appetizer of spicy cucumber, an entire tray of xiao long bao (dumplings), and entire plate of Taiwanese lettuce (think cooked spinach) and half our order of green beans.  The girl can put away the Chinese food!

Our evening consisted of the same routine that I imagine happens world-wide the night before school starts. Genevieve selected and set out her clothes and her backpack and supplies.  She was tucked into bed with hugs and kisses, and she even produced a smile at the prospect of starting school the next day. 

Three hours later at 11pm she arrived in our room with big eyes and trembling voice, “Mama, I can’t sleep.  I’m scared about school tomorrow.”  She was tucked back into bed with more hugs and kisses and a little backrub, but the killer about nerves like this: there is nothing to alleviate the anxiety until the first day of school actually happens and you know what you’re dealing with!

First day of school

Her first day of school was on a Friday, and the public school system in Taipei has half day of school on Wednesdays and Fridays for all children below grade 4.  I felt like this was the best possible beginning, she should be able to survive four hours of school!  And then we would see what was what.

After dropping Olivia off at school, Joe, Genevieve, Amelia and I walked Genevieve to her school.  (Olivia gets dropped off at 7:30, Genevieve at 7:40, and Amelia at 8:30.)  As we approached her school and I asked G to pause for a picture, she could not quite summon a smile, just the ghost of a smile.  We walked through the entrance of the school, joining the stream of other children on their way in.  There were only about 20% of the students with parents accompanying them in, all the other kids were on their own.

We found her classroom, went inside and discovered her teacher.  Ding Laoshi was standing in the middle of a gaggle of children, laughing and giving various directions.  It was a bit chaotic, but he noticed Genevieve almost immediately.  He welcomed her with a big smile, showed her where to put her backpack and water bottle, and what desk to sit in.  He did this with only about 10 interruptions from other students and parents…it was Genevieve’s first glimpse into being part of a 26-student classroom.  (We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto…)  It was also our first real look at her classroom. 

There were about 30 desks, lined up in neat rows all facing forward.  An old-school chalkboard covered most of the wall at the front of the class.  There are windows down both sides of the classroom, one set facing out to the open-air hallway and courtyard in the middle of the school, the other set facing the outside.  There are four fans on the ceiling, and no air conditioning.  It was about 90 degrees the first day of school.

Genevieve’s desk was the last one in the last row…the one place we didn’t want her to sit.  With her focus issues, sitting in the front of the classroom makes a huge difference in her not getting distracted.  In her first test of advocating for herself, we told Genevieve to tell Ding Laoshi that she needed to sit up front.  She was able to communicate with him, he understood what she was asking, but told her these were only temporary seats.  Fair enough, we would wait and see.

While other kids roamed around the room and talked to each other and talked to parents and put their stuff away, Genevieve sat in her desk.  She was as quiet and still as I’d ever seen her.  Eyes huge in her face, freckles standing out on her pale skin, she looked terrified.  Even when we asked her questions and gently joked with her, we got one word responses in a tiny voice.  We tried to talk about what we saw in the classroom, and pointed out that there was at least one other foreign student in her class.  She asked how we knew, and when we said “because he’s black and there aren’t any black Taiwanese people,” she just nodded.  (Turns out that student is from Gambia!)  The whole thing was so unnatural; not at all our positive, sunny, and spirited Gigi. 

I don’t know what was going through her head during the 15 minutes from the time we arrived in her classroom till the time we left, but I can tell you what was going on for us.  Every doubt we’ve ever had about putting her in a local school reared its ugly head and ran through our minds.  But then we told ourselves she would figure it out, she would be OK.  Butterflies flew violently around our stomachs, our palms were clammy, and there was panic in our eyes.  We wondered if we could actually leave her there in that small desk at the back of the huge classroom.  But the bell rang, and we recognized it was time for parents to leave.  We hugged and kissed our strangely silent child, told ourselves that it was only four hours that first day, and walked out the door of the classroom, down the long hall, and out the front of the school.  Someone seeing us on the sidewalk that morning might have thought we’d just heard that someone died…we were as panicked and scared as Genevieve was. 

And she's on her own

Joe headed off to work via public bus, so worried about Genevieve that he was literally nauseous and called me twice to make sure we had done the right thing.  For me, the farther away from that classroom I got, the more I remembered how smart and adaptable Genevieve is.  It helped that I was dropping Amelia off at school, where two weeks previously she had also been scared and anxious, and now she was well-adjusted and happy to go to school.

The hours until pick-up time passed slowly, and then finally I was standing in front of the school waiting for Genevieve to come out, fingers and toes crossed that it had been a good day.  They usually come out together as a class, but that first day everyone seemed to rush out at once.  Luckily, it’s easy to spot G with her red hair in a sea of black hair.  She made her way slowly over to me, looking completely shell-shocked.  After a big hug I asked, “how was your first day?”  In our family we often give a thumbs up or thumbs down when giving a quick verdict about something.  Her thumb was somewhere between the neutral position and down…

The other little boy who had done the language assessment with Genevieve came out of school just then and his parents were standing next to me.  We all headed to Subway for a “survived first day of school” lunch.  Jet, the little boy, seemed happy and talkative, so I assumed his first day had gone a little better than Genevieve’s.  But over the course of lunch, with a little food and drink in her system, Genevieve came out of her trance and began to talk and play with Jet.  At one point I asked G if she understood her teacher and she said, “No Mom, I didn’t understand anything he said all day today.”  Oh no.  Then Jet’s mom asked him the same question and he ALSO said he had no idea was his teacher said all day.  That made me feel a little better…after all this is a child who speaks Mandarin and has a Taiwanese mother!

By the end of lunch, Genevieve resembled the happy, smiley child I’m used to, and we celebrated together the fact that she had a whole weekend to enjoy before she had to tackle school again.  She had officially survived her first day of school.  And so had her parents.